Can I really be in love?

So today was so perfect! I didn't go to New Market today because Shelton buses are lame and wouldn't provide transportation and so I stayed in the library and hung out with Brittany, Amy, and Tim. I was really tired and wanted to go to sleep so I used Tim as a pillow...although I never did get a chance to go to sleep. And we were holding hands and later we were hugging. I really like him, he is such a sweet, amazing guy. He's simply perfect!!! I just wish...we were more then friends. Just some things for Tim:

another insert from I kissed Dating Goodbye

*we're pursuing romance when we're really not interested in commitment
*Deepening intimacy without defining a level of commitment is dangerous. It's like going mountain climbing with a partner who isn't sure she wants the responsibility of holding your rope. When you've climber two thouseand feet up a mountain face, you don't want ot have a conversation about how she feels "tied down" bu your relationship. In the same way, many people experience deep hurt when they open themselves up emotionally and physically only to be abandoned by someone who proclaims he's not ready for a "serious commitment"
*The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment
*All of us want intimacy. It means being close to someone. It's being vulnerable, open, and dependent. it's giving to and reciving from another person the deepest parts of who we are-our hopes, our fears, our secrets, our affections. An intimate relationship in which we know and are known by another himan is one of the most fulfilling and precious parts of life-it's a gift from God.
*We are intimate with those people who have proven their faithfulness to us, people who have shown over time that they will be careful to gaurd our what we have given to ourselves.
*Proverbs 3:3 'let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.'
*As you can see, intimacy without commitment contradicts what the Bible teaches about true love. Instread of being selfless, it's selfish;instead of being patient it's impatient; instead of looking out for the ongoing good of the other person, it's focused on the needs of the moment.

I love him so much

♥ Kiss on the stomach = Im ready♥ Kiss on the Forehead ="I hope we're together forever"♥ Kiss on the Ear = Your my everything♥ Kiss on the Cheek = "We're friends"♥ Kiss on the Hand = "I adore you"♥ Kiss on the Neck = "We belong together"♥ Kiss on the Shoulder = "I want you"♥ Kiss on the Lips = "I love you"What the gesture means...♥ Holding Hands = "We definitely love each other"♥ Slap on the Butt = "That's mine"♥ Holding on tight = "I don't want to let go"♥ Looking into each other's Eyes = "I just plain love you"♥ Playing with Hair = "Tell me you love me"♥ Arms around the Waist = "I love you too much to let go"♥ Laughing while Kissing = "I am completely comfortable with you"--Advice--♥ Dont ask for a kiss, take one.♥ If you were thinking about someone while reading this,you're definitely in Love.--Requirements--♥ Post this again after reading!!Or you will have a bad year of Relationships.If you LIKE, LOVE, OR MISS someone right nowand can't get them out of your headthen Re-post this within One Minute and Whoever you are missing will surprise you.Repost this as "what a kiss means"

Why does everything have to be so confusing?

Yay! I am in Cheney!!!!!!!! Well, to visit anyways. So today is Wednesday and I made it here in time for youth group which was really awesome because Ty, Vicki, and Mike stopped in to see me!!!:) And I saw someone who I gave my heart to a long tiem ago and he still holds it and I can't take it back because as much as I want to have it back and have control of my feelings, I can't. I still love him and I always will. The sad thing is he will NEVER care.
So it got me thinking...What is love? What determines love? This person, I think about him all the time, is that love? When something goes wrong, I tend to turn to him, is that love? When I go to sleep at night, I dream of him, is that love? Is love a feeling or an emotion? Is it give or take? Are there different levels of love? Can you love someone one day and not another? Can you take love back? Can you turn in off and on? As you can see I am really confused...
But, I do know one thing...I really care about this guy...and I am gonna try to make an effort to get a long with him better and to fight less...And I hope he will see that we could be...should be so much more. That we are destined to be so much more...but until then, he is just my very best friend.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!

So in one week I will be in Cheney!!!! How awesome is that? I miss everyone there so bad.
So in school today we are working on applying for scholarships and my teacher is having us write a practice essay for the wave scholarship. But, I am getting really depressed...The reason why, I don't know what I want to do next year, I don't know where I want to go to college, or what I am gonna do for a job...So how can I start preparing. It seems so odd and I am having a hard time realizing that I am gonna be on my own. I want to stay with my family and friends for ever. I am very much a family girl so I don't know how I am gonna deal with being on my own. Moving to Shelton was a big enough deal and that isn't even on my own.
So, today I felt really bad for this kid. His name is Tim and he is sweet, nice, funny and we have become very good friends. The problem...he likes me or at least my smile. He told a friend of mine 'I like her smile...the way she is always smiling' which is ironic because I always feel down yet there is always a smile on my face. And today on the bus a girl asked if we were going out and I said no and he got this sad look on his face and I felt really bad for him. I mean really he is a nice kid and he is PERFECT boyfriend material...But, I am very confused right now and until I go to Cheney and find out what is going through that guys mind, I will NEVER be ready for a relationship.
I miss youth group so much!!! I hope I get to Cheney in time to go!!! I miss learning and growing! If I get there in time I hope they play Heart of Worship! I love that song! I feel like it's my special song, like it was wrote just for me!
Loves,
Whitney

July = attitude

'JULY = ATTITUDE
outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds onattention. no self control. kind hearted. selfconfident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful.easy to get along with and talk to. has an "everything's peachy" attitude. likes talking and singing.loves music. daydreamer. easily distracted. Hatesnot being trusted. BIG imagination. loves to beloved. hates studying. in need of "that someone".longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld orrestricted. lives by "no pain no gain" caring.always a suspect. playful. mysterious. "charming"or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious.independent. strong willed. a fighter. repost in 5mins and you will meet the love of your lifesometime next month.'

For the most part the above is right but it says I take risks...So why am I so afraid to let guys in? Why am I so scared that they will hurt me? I can't believe I fell for every lie Nash told me. If it weren't for him I wouldn't be in this mess! I would be able to really love someone and not worry about if they are gonna hurt me or not. Can I do it? Can I be the girl I was before Nash? I want to but...I think he ruined me. I don't think I can go back to that girl...And it's making me want revenge on him. I know that's not good but I want it badly!!! I want to make him pay for what he did to me!. I wanna know what went wrong...I guess that's what sucks. Since I have gone to counceling I tend to try to figure out everything and see where things went wrong...But, I think Nash was always wrong!!

Scared ...Sinking in

So, it's finally sinking in you guys. This is it, this time next year I will be out on my own. I am scared and nervous. I don't like the idea of it at all. I have to start applying for colleges but I don't know what my profession is gonna be so where do I start? I am thinking about applying to Spokane Falls and Eastern to see if I will get in so I can be close to home...yet have some indepence. *Haha* It's a big deal for me just like this was because I would be on my own. I am very much a family girl as much as I try to fight it and the idea of not having them to run to when the going gets tough absolutely terrifies me.
On the plus side, I am coming home for Thanksgiving...(It seems weird to me to still refer to Cheney as home...Shouldn't Shelton be home now?)
So, I am really nervous because a guy I like seems to be interested. But, I have some things that are keeping me back. The biggest he lives in Cheney and I live here. Also, I liked him last year and he wasn't interested so why now? Why when I moved across state does he take notice? Is he just messing with my mind. I think so, I want to take the chance but Nash has worped my mind so much that I don't know if I could take the chance. I don't want to get hurt and I am afraid that will happen. Is there a way to protect my heart and still let him in?
Thanks for listening/reading and some advice would be appricated.
~Whit

Frustration...

I AM FIGHTING WITH A FRIEND OF MINE. WE USE TO BE REALLY CLOSE BUT WE DRIFTED SO FAR APART AND I TRIED TO FIX IT AND MADE IT WORSE. I THINK I HAVE LOST A FRIEND...AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO.
ON THE OTHER HAND...A GUY I LIKE HAS FINALLY TAKEN NOTICE TO ME. THE ONLY PROBLEM...HE LIVES IN CHENEY AND I LIVE HERE...IT'S LIKE A BILLION MILES AWAY...DOES LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK OR IS HE JUST USING ME. I WANNA TAKE THE CHANCE AND FIND OUT BUT I AM SCARED. NASH HAS HURT ME TOO MUCH. I DON'T KNOW IF THE RIST IS WORTH IT.
SOME ADVICE PLEASE
LOVE WHIT

Just some things that are going on...

I love it here but it feels so wrong. I feel like moving here was a huge mistake. I miss my friends and family and my animals I left behind. And it's finally hitting me, this is my Senior Year. I am NOT ready to 'grow up' and be on my own. It scares me to think that this time next year I won't have anyone to depend on. And to make it worse, I was talking to a friend last night and now I'm worried about what a few of my friends back home are doing and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm stressing out and I have to think about colleges for next year. How can you decide what the rest of your life is going to be...Hell, I'm not even sure what I want to be. Toss up between a vet, a pro. handler, or a dog trainer. So, how do I know what schools to apply to when I don't know where my future is.
Okay, so I am reading a really awesome book called I kissed dating good bye. It's by Joshua Harris and you should read it because it is such a good book. "Some people who hear about my decision not to date until I'm ready for marriage assume that my heart must have been broken. No, my heart was made new by my Savior. The change in my attitude was the result of realizing the implications of belonging to Him. The Son of God died for me! He came to free me from the hopelessness of living for myself. That had to change everything-including my love life. Having a girlfriend{boyfriend} was no longer my greatest need. Knowing and obeying Him was. I wanted to please Him in my relationships even if it meant looking radical abd foolish to other people.-even if it mean kissing dating goodbye..." "1 John 4:10-11: This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, lsince God so loved us, we also ought to love on another."
That last part brings me to my next problem. Wednesday I got called a hypercrite because I was at one time friends with Jake, a gay guy. She told me I couldn't possibly be a Christian because it's a sin to be gay. But, does the bible not also say that we are suppose to love them like Jesus did? and who are we to judge them? That's between them and God! But, now through it all I am begining to doubt my faith. Am I really a Christian? Do I really believe in it? I don't know who I am anymore...let a lone what I believe in. So please some words of advice?
Loves,
Whitney

I couldn't believe...

I couldn't believe that you came to me at a time when I needed a friend the most. I left my friends and family in Spokane and I was starting to regret my move. I made some friends but they were mostly interested in other things. But, you weren't afraid to talk to me, to let me talk about what matters to me. We share a lot of interests and you are helping me become the Christian I know I am capable of being. I just wanted to say thanks for everything you have done. You don't know how special and loved you make me feel.
On another note: "God was peeling away layer after layer of wrong thinking , wrong values, and wrong desires."- Joshua Harris, I KISSED DATING GOOD-BYE.
Thanks, you really helped me with that! (And you know who you are.)

Rereading...I kissed Dating Good-bye

It's an awesome book by Joshua Harris. If you have not read it I recommend it.

"It was finally here-Anna's wedding day, the day she has dreamed about and planned for months. The small, picturesque church was crowded with family and friends. Sunlight poured through the stained-glass windows, and the gentle music of a string quartet filled the air. Anna walked down the aisle toward David. Joy surged within her. This was the moment for which she had waited so long. He gently took her hand, and they turned toward the altar. But, at the minister began to lead Anna and David through their vows, the unthinkable happened. A girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly over to the altar, and took David's other hand. Another girl approached and stood nest to the first, followed by another. Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he repeated his vows to Anna. Anna felt her lip begin to quiver as tears welled up in her eyes. 'Is this some kind of joke?' she whispered to David. 'I'm...I'm sorry, Anna' he said, staring at the floor. 'Who are these girls, David? What is going on?' she gasped. 'They're girls from my past,' he answered sadly. 'Anna, they don't mean anything to me now...but I've given part of my heart to each of them.' 'I thought you heart was mine,' she said. 'It is, it is,' he pleaded.'Everything that is left is yours.' A tear rolled down Anna's check. Then she woke up.
... 'How many men could line up next to me on my wedding day? How many times have I given my heart away in short-term relationships? Will I have anything left for my husband?'

Just some things to think about! I'm thinking about them as well!
Much Love,
Whit

I'm looking for you but all I found was myself...

I'm looking for you but all I found was myself. I expected you to know me but how could you when I didn't know myself? I gave you my heart but why? I swore NOT to go through this again, I can't bear it if you BROKE my heart like others in my past. So again, I ask myself why did I let you in when I worked so hard to keep others out. It's quite simple, Kyle. Everyone could see it...But you. I fell for you, I completely gave you my heart and you didn't know what to do with it. Will you save me, save my heart before it's too late? I don't think so because it's starting to break. I want you so bad but you just wanted a friend. I was willing to be that but I needed more...Or so I thought...
Another guy came into the picture. He wasn't afraid to ask me questions. He wasn't afraid to get to know me. He wasn't afraid to show his feelings, he let them in. I couldn't help but fall for him. He wasn't afraid to let me see the "real" him and he let me be myself. You couldn't do that, you wouldn't ask questions, you waited till I told you what you wanted to hear. He knew I love dogs, so he asked me about them...Did you do that? No, you waited for me to tell you about them...Good-bye my crush because that's all you were...Just a crush.

Just some random thoughts...

When I dumped Mike I really felt like this:

But, you know...it's not true! I still love Mike and I always will but I am over him in that since. I have moved on and it feels so great! He is a wonderful friend and I thank God for that but I wasn't his ONE and he wasn't mine...It just took my heart some convincing and finding a great guy like I have did help it!

Does My heart Get To Fly or Lie Broken?

I NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS POSSIBLE TO FALL FOR YOU. I SWORE I WAS DONE WITH BOYS. I WASN'T GONNA GO THROUGH THE HURT AND PAIN AGAIN BUT YOU WON MY HEART AND ALL IT TOOK WAS BEING NICE TO ME. I FELL FOR YOU EVEN WHEN MY BRAIN NEW BETTER BECAUSE MY HEART WAS LOOKING FOR YOU. AND IT'S HURTING SO BAD BECAUSE I WANT YOU SO MUCH BUT YOU JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS. I KNOW THAT AND I RESPECT IT. I REALIZE YOU ARE WATCHING OUT FOR ME THAT YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GET HURT AND I KNOW I NEED TO RESPECT THAT BUT CAN'T YOU SEE THAT BY PROTECTING ME YOU ARE HURTING ME BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GIVING ME WHAT I NEED MOST FROM YOU. YOU AREN'T GIVING ME YOUR HEART. I LOVE YOU, I TRIED NOT TO BUT YOU HAVE MY HEART...THE QUESTION IS WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH IT? DOES IS GET TO FLY OR LIE BROKEN? IT'S YOUR CALL!