My life sucks

So yeah basically I figured out that all guys suck. And I hate this one in particular. He told me he didn't want a girlfriend at the time, that he was "content" being single...But I found out that wasn't it, he just didn't want me. *Ouch*

And then last night wasn't so great either. I found out I really like this guy that I can't have because my other friend likes him to and what kinda friend would I be if I did that to her. But, I told him that I like him and he just ignores me.

So yeah, guys suck. And they can all die.

I'm sick of trying, sick of smiling, sick of crying, wish I was dying.

I wish I could just swallow the pills and not wake up.
I wish I could just bring the knife across my arm and let the blood come out.

But, I promised myself I wouldn't.
I promised myself I was stronger...
So Any Words of Advice?

A year and a half...I still MISS him my best friend

Tomorrow it will be one year and 6 months since I had to make the most horrible dicision of my life.
My best friend came to me in the form of a red brindle smooth miniature dachshund. At a very young age he got really picky and didn't really wanna eat. We should have saw the signs that something wasn't right but everyone told me it was just because I spoiled him.
Well, on August 9th, he acted very strange. He got very lathargic (not wanting to move) and the whites of his eyes and gums turned yellow, and he just wanted me, his "mom". When I left to go to the bathroom, he would howl. So we waited out the night to see if he would get better in the morning. But, it just got worse. Now, he didn't wanna eat or drink. We rushed him into the vet's office and Eric drew blood and sent us on our way. He said he would call with the results. When he did, he conformed our worse fears. He told us that Shere Khan wasn't well, he had liver disease. What we didn't know was that he was born with it and it just hadn't set in yet. He NEVER had the chance to live a normal doggie life. Eric told me there were two things I could do. I could put him down or I could take him home and he would die in a couple of days. It was the worse choice of my life as I brought him into the vet's office knowing it would be the last time I saw him again.
I don't know if I did the right thing or not but I believe I did. I still miss him and I always will. He was the true definition of a best friend.
Nash wouldn't let me deal with it at the time. He hated how much I loved my dog and got abusive. And now a year and a half later and I am still not over it and I don't think I ever will be. I feel robbed, I lost something precious and I miss him so much.

Sick of trying, sick of smiling, sick of crying, wish I was dieing

I am just so sick of caring so much.
I am so sick of missing my friends and none of them caring.
I love one of my best friends but I was so happy with just being friends.
It was okay with me.
But, he just doesn't care any more.
I live in f*cking Shelton.
And he lives in Cheney.
I can't see him often but I send him tons of messages.
and he acts like he's too good for me now.
I'm sorry I moved, but this was a good oppurtinity for me and I love it here so much.
I don't wanna regret it but he's making it so hard to enjoy it.
And I'm sick of pretending to be okay.
It's NOT okay.
I still miss you guys, even though I'm over here.
What would it hurt you to send me a freaking message back?
But, I know why he doesn't.
He doesn't love me.
I think he loves someone else.
And he just pushed me to the bottom of importance.
Because I'm not pretty, I'm not athletic, or smart.
I had nothing going for me,
so he just forgot about me.
I wish I wasn't stronger.
I wish I could just put the pills in my mouth and swallow.
I wish I could just run the knife across me and cut.
But, I promised myself I wouldn't.
So Instead he can just f*ck himself.
I'm sick of trying.
Sick of smiling.
Sick of crying.
I wish I was dieing.

Friendship

So, I am the type of girl who really cares about her friends.
I know this is just one example but Im so sick of having friends like Jake. You are good enough for them until they fit in with the next best thing. Well, I'm sick of caring so much about what happens to them and then being dumped.
I also feel like since I moved here you guys forgot about me. I know it's probably not true but it does feel that way. Like I'm only good enough when I'm in Cheney/Tyler/Spokane. Like I'm just second best here.
And I know it takes two to make a friendship work which is why Im making my move now and letting you know how I feel.
I mean what would it hurt to send me a message once in awhile...or at least respond to the one I sent.
Now, I know this doesn't pertain to all of you and thanks to those who have been true friends...The rest, 'I've said what I needed to say, I've done what I needed to do, Now whatever happens, I will leave up to you.'

Confused as hell, please help

So I really liked Tim and I took a chance and Brittany asked him if he would go to Tolo with me. He said he wanted to but there were questions he needed to ask. Then, he told me that he likes me but wants to make sure he really wants to date me before he actually does. But, we can still hold hands. It's so BS!! And I am so hurt and confused, I don't know what to do any more.
I wanna know what is so wrong with me? No guy seems to be able to get past the 'I just wanna be friends' stage? And I that ugly? Or what? I don't understand it. I want to be with him so bad, especially right now and he just doesn't seem to get it.
You were so right, Brittany. Everyone can see that we are meant to be together...BUT HIM!!! So how do I make him realize it?
Today after school we were talking and he said he still wants to go to Tolo with me and he hugged me and it hurt so bad because he doesn't realize just how much I wish he would do that and really mean it. Really hug me and enjoy it NOT because he thinks I'm sad or hurting but because he cares and wants to.

untitled

I sit in this lonely room,
Staring at the stars,
Wondering how it all went so wrong,
Looking into my heart,
Knowing there are scars,
I fell for you so long ago,
And at one time you felt it, too.
I long to hear your voice again-
Like it was when you finally said,
-said, ‘I love you,’
I was young, and I let you go.
I sit in this lonely room,
Staring at the stars,
Wondering how it all went so wrong,
Looking into my heart,
Knowing there are scars.
I love you so much,
You can see it in my eyes,
I can feel it in my heart,
In the past I caused you pain,
You’re trying to act smart,
And protect yourself.
I sit in this lonely room,
Staring at the stars,
Wondering how it all went so wrong,
Looking into my heart,
Knowing there are scars,
I know you will never love me,
Oh you do- Just not the way I need you to,
But, I can’t tell my heart No,
Can’t seem to change your mind either,
Can’t you see- see how much we could be,
I don’t know what to say…
Other then,
I sit in this lonely room,
Staring at the stars,
Wondering how it all went so wrong,
Looking into my heart,
And seeing all the scars.
I guess this is the end,
And we are just friends,
The pain will lessen,
That’s what the experts say,
Good-bye, my Love.
I sit in this lonely room,
Staring at the stars,
Wondering how it all went so wrong,
Looking into my heart,
And seeing all the scars.

Just a little bit of everything

It's my first post for the New Year! Yay!
Cheney was a blast! I enjoyed seeing you all even if Tone' is a jerk and stood me up. I still had lotsa fun with my real friends!!
So, I have been thinking lately and I think after I graduate I wanna stay here in Shelton and continue working for Don. I really like the shows and don't mind being gone a lot. The only downside is showing on Sundays...
Yesterday I thought Tim and I had a good talk but now I am very confused. He asked me what I look for in a guy and I didn't answer him. (After everything I went through with Nash it is hard for me to open up and trust people I want to care about. But, Tim doesn't seem to understand that.) And he said, 'Well does being a Christian play a part in it?' And I honestly told him, 'It didn't before. But, after being in a relationship with a non-Christian and the hell I went through, it matters to me now.' I know I made him happy because he hugged me to death. But, today he told me that he didn't believe me. He said that I told him that because I knew that is what he wanted to hear. I love him so much, why would I lie to him? He means everything to me. I told him the truth, how do I get him to believe me? What did I do wrong?
Speaking of the little Nash part. Can you believe it's been a year since the last time he hurt me? It seems like it just happened, I can't believe how long it's been. But, if it wasn't for that relationship I don't think I would be that close to my family or to God. He also taught me that my next boyfriend has to be a Christian and has to share some of my passions.